Flub a dub Cubs

Dear Chicago Cubs,

Please attempt to trade everyone on your team. Okay, Starlin Castro and Tyler Colvin, you two can stay. Everyone else, go sit in O’Hare airport and await further directions. You see, we had a fine run. Times were fun, times were good. Now, you’re all just old, complacent, and underachieving (that’s what she said). Ted Lilly, I’ll never forget when you gave up that home run in the playoffs and threw your glove down on the mound like a 6 year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Aramis Ramirez, who could forget that time you got thrown out at second base because you were strutting to first on what you thought was a home run. Derrek Lee, you’re alright…but not very good anymore. Bob Howry, a Neo Geo would have more trade-in value than you at this point. Kosuke Fukudome, don’t be surprised if you see a surplus of memorabilia with your name on it being worn in third-world countries. There were way too many “Fukudome is my homie” t-shirts (which by the way, doesn’t even rhyme) bought in that first month of your career in Chicago. Lou Piniella, I hear they have a fantastic Salisbury steak at the Old Country Buffet in Tampa. Find it and eat until October. Jim Hendry, you’re going to explode if you keep this job. Literally. For the sake of your health, quit now and let someone else deal with Alfonso Soriano’s contract. Speaking of Alfonso Soriano, you are being replaced with the actual Alf in left field. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? Last, but not least, Bob Brenly….get that moustache ready and head down to the dugout. What a ride it could be with Bob’s moustache at the helm.

Thanks for your time,

Max